India: A Self-Reflective Essay

Preface: This was written partially at the request of dear Mother, who warned me that my blog may be getting too negative. This is an explanation/apology/excuse for that, lest anyone who reads this thinks that I hate it here.

As anyone who has wandered the world knows, travel is a high-stress situation. Even the most patient of travelers requires venting, and this can come out in varying degrees. When traveling with a companion, the whining may come in small doses, and appear quite moderate. However, when traveling by one's self, one is quite at loss for whom to vent to. I, being on my own, am in this situation. India, while incredible, has its faults, which I am continuously exposed to. I need to talk about them. Unfortunately, as I am by myself, this comes out online. while trying to make friends around the city, the last thing I want to do is complain about all the problems in this country. Since I have somewhat limited computer time, I realize that these complaints (which are sometimes just observations) can come in large batches, giving the impression that I can't stand it here. Apologies to everyone.
India brings out the best and the worst in people. while I doubt I have seen my worst, I have been introduced to certain traits of mine that I am not particularly fond of. While I have not necessarily overcome them or gotten rid of them, my awareness of their existence has surely moved me in a better direction. As for bringing out the best in me, I don't know about that. I do feel that I have a much higher level of self-confidence, at least when it comes to looking out for myself. I feel more aware, confident, responsible, and stronger, mentally. Most of these things have come from the more negative events that I have mentioned here. I general I don't mind the harassment of children and men in the street, and some days I actually enjoy the attitude it gives me. It feels good to be able to ignore the comments and catcalls and not be upset by them. When I get home, I will appreciate these things and the bravery they have given me. While I do recognize that, you, reader, must also recognize the difficulties of dealing with these situations every single day, without fail. There is no break from the catcalling and harassment. I know there is no real danger, and that it is not personal, and that I will be better for it. However, I would enjoy being able to walk to class one day without school children pulling on my clothing and holding my hand because I am white, and it would be nice if I could walk back without men slowing down on their motorcycles to say, "oh yes, pretty pretty, give a smile,". As good as it is for me, it is also mentally exhausting to avoid the leering stares and groping hands and concentrate on my walk home...every single day. And when I do get to the safety of my room, I have no one to laugh it off with. I do not want to tell my batik teachers because they will feel sorry for me and send their 70 year old servant woman to walk back with me to "protect" me. I don't need protection. No one will hurt me, and I can take care of myself. I need a release, and that comes out here, to my unfortunate readers.
I love it here. This is an incredible, wonderful, beautiful country. I have met some of the kindest, sweetest, most generous people I have ever known. I am daily reminded of how disgusting and evil mankind is, and reminded even more of how gentle and loving humans can be. I am soaking in the goodness, the vibrancy, the richness, the strength and the love this country is giving me. I hope it will be evident when I return, but if not, I know I will always feel it. As much as I am soaking in these positive things, I need to spit out the negativities as they come at me. I don't want to retain the skill of ignoring people and not making eye contact and having the assumption that a hello from a child will be followed by a request for money. Those things need to stay here, and if writing about it and telling people from home is the way to get those things out from inside of me, then that it what I have to do. I am sorry if it makes me seem miserable. Know that when I get back, the majority of what I will say will be the positive, amazing things that I have seen and experienced. Those are what I will keep inside.
I would also say that I am not homesick. I have been talking about home a lot, and it is true that in my copious amounts of free time/thinking time, my mind is continuously wandering to home, school, and camp. I miss them all incredibly, and am very much looking forward to returning, but I would not say I'm homesick. I think I am, perhaps overly, excited and eager to see what changes and outlooks this amazing new adventure will bring to my (already pretty spectacular) old life.

Cheers.